brunette_bella's Journal

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So I'm really depressed today. Last night my nana went into the hospital for some lung thingy- pretty serious. Ma mere had to go there at 2:30 this morning and just got back at 4 pm. Needless to say shes cranky as hell. And my dad had just gotten over this huge manic depressive episode where he wouldnt eat, or go to work. He just slept all the time. At least he was quiet then- now hes a cheap, uptight bastard. To catch everyone up, he's been an alcoholic forever about 5 years ago he went into rehab for like the 6th time, but he stayed sober for 3 years! Thats a record for him. Of course it didnt last,and 2 years ago he had his first beer in three years around X-mas time. By then, my brothers and I were like narc dogs trained to detect the smell of drugs- we can tell when someones had the tiniest sip of alcohol... even if the've chewed 20 peices of Dentyne Ice ( as Daddy Dearest has done so many times to try and hide how he knocked down a few at the bar down the street from his office). We know the slurred speech, the slowed reactions, the endless let downs and lack of strength of conviction that I thought every father should have. To me, booze have become the devil incarnate. Of course I know many people can handle it, but all it ever brought into my life was incredible pain. He claims to have quit (for the umpteenth time) last February, but we both know it will never be the same. Now all my dad does is underestimate and down-play all of the hurt he has caused me, every day of my life. And today, he proceeds to call me, an "ungrateful, selfish bitch". To that I laughed forlorny, looked him in his cowardly eyes, and said, "And what are you? A sad, selfish alcoholic who is destined to end up like his father. Just a shell of a person, filled with nothing but regrets and 'I wishes'." And what's ironic is that during his 3 years of sobriety, I was "the happiest little girl in the world". He was my hero, my daddy. But after so many let downs, all I see now is a man who was never strong or selfless enough to put his wife and children before his own stupid fantasies of partying, corona in hand, down in Key West, or being a great writer like his idol, Charles Bukowski, another selfish, drunk waste of space. I see a lonely, unfufilled man who will always carry his regrets in his pockets instead of the responsibilities to his family on his shoulders. And I think I hate him....

I'm going to Emily's tonight at 7. I'm gunna tell her simply that I ate a huge dinner already. I'm leaving early- like by 9, so hopefully I can sleep late enough where I won't have to eat breakfast there. No way I'm eating it here. I just heard my little brother say, "this is all because of Nora". I prolly should have left everything unsaid, and hanging in the air like a thick, dark fog. But I didn't. I spoke my mind, let my feelings and hurts be known. And all I took away from it is regret. I still have that hurt, and most likely always will. Well, this post is long enough and it'll serve as my private journal post, too. This sleepover at Emily's will be awkward, as they have been since the first time I came over. But I'll cover that another day. I'll try to put on a happy face for Emily, show "that nothing's wrong". After all, my life is just changing costumes and roles to satisfy everyone but me. I am an actress, but I only wish my life was a movie. Because in movies, everything always turns out right in the end.....

What i ate today:
2 slices of whole wheat toast- 180 cals
tiniest bit of butter- 10 calories
3 peices of brownie crust- no cals because I purged it
3 glasses of seltzer water- 0 cals (and I find it fills me up better than regular water, prolly because of the carbonation. Theres no difference in sodium or carbs or nething from reg. water. Its also great because the bubbles made it alot easier to purge so I didnt have to stick my finger down my throat or anything. It came out in like 7 different "mouthfuls", sorry if it sounds gross.)

Jesus Christ, my stupid mom just made me say "sorry to dad". I told her it was against my principles, moral convictions and I wouldn't mean it, but she said, "as long as he doesnt get deprerssed, I dont care". So I said sorry, but I knew in my head that sorry meant, I regret only unto myself for ever being born, let alone into this family. I really could kill myself right now, but I wouldnt want to give anyone that satisfaction.... So I'll just die inside right now, and continue to bow to ana, letting life slowly slip away....

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